Man, when I was a kid, especially late high school, I remember how important “goals” were supposed to be. We were encouraged to make goals for the day, goals for the week, goals for the year, 5 year goals… to write them all down and then come up with a plan, and check in on our progress. To write down sub-goals that we needed to achieve to meet our goals. And daily goals that would ensure we were always working on our big goals and where we wanted to be.
As a kid, you always are sort of thinking about what you want out of life. Often influenced by what you consider successful in the lives you’re exposed to. I never dreamt of having a big mansion on a coast somewhere, probably because I never knew anyone that had one. But I’m sure for some folks… that’s their goal.
Truth be told, I despised all of that. I wrote down the goals because I had to, and probably never ever looked at them again. I sorta remember what I thought my life would end up like back then. It’s pretty different than reality. I figured I’d stick together with my friends, we’d move off to a place more interesting than Ingalls, and be close enough that we could all get together after work, and just hang out and be… well the same.
Something, that of course never happened. We drifted away, pulled in different directions by people, opportunity, or just apathy. One of my favorite things is listening to stories about how people got from where they were to where they are now. It’s almost always for a reason or two or ten. But I hardly ever hear anyone who arrived where they are know, because they had specific goals and a plan they executed to get there. Maybe everyone hates goals.
Even to this day, you can ask Andrea. I hate planning things. I hate having days and weeks scheduled out in advance. And I don’t always like to talk about the future and what we’re going to do, because a lot of it never happens. I hear folks all the time talking about what they are going to do, what they’re going to buy, or what they want to create, only to never see it happen. I’m not any different than them. But I’d rather not set people’s expectations, you know.
Rather than focus on plans, goals, and destinations. I prefer to just work on my character. What is it that I like? What is it that brings me joy? What makes me the kind of person I want to be? Every little decision we make, every left or right turn we choose, leads us to where we are now. You can pick a destination in life, and try to work your way backwards to where you are now, stressing on figuring out what you need to be doing now to get yourself where you want to be THEN. Am I making all the right choices? OR… I like to think that if I try to take all the little things, and do what I think will make me happy, do the things I won’t regret, I’ll end up in a place that is perfect for me. Whether I knew it existed before or not.
I don’t know if I’ve ever written about this here, or not. But over the last year, I’ve been making an actual effort to learn Spanish. I have no good reason to learn Spanish. Of course it’s one of those things that everyone around here who doesn’t know Spanish says, “It would be really good to know”. Inferring that it opens up opportunities and maybe will let you know if someone in the cereal aisle is being critical of your fashion choices.
On of my friends is bi-lingual. I grill her on the language a lot and she obliges. If I were to look into the future (far future) of my Spanish speaking existence, I don’t know that I see myself finding that one great reason that learning Spanish will finally pay off. My impression is that she finds herself being the nearest available translator in random situations. Never compensated, and more than anything burdened with a responsibility of “getting it right”.
I never really thought about a second language being a sort of weight to carry with you. Think about it. When people need a translator, they need a translator. Because whatever it is, whatever they’re doing, language barrier or not, they need to get it done. So if you step in to translate for these people… you need to get it right. That’s kinda of a big liability to sign up for out of the goodness of your heart.
Learning the language has taught me a lot about people. I see how language can be so divisive. Over the years, I’ve encountered people who know little or no english at all. As a person is struggling to get their point across, searching and grasping for the phrase that will trigger a mutual understanding… In the moment it’s hard to see that person as intelligent. As your equal. It’s easy to think, “this person is dumb”. But how can you really make that judgment then and there? What if you’re actually talking to the smartest most compassionate person you’ll ever meet in your life. But because you can’t understand them you write them off as another idiot too lazy to learn.
More than any other quality we possess, skin color, lifestyle, education, I feel like language is more intimately tied to our culture. A black man and a white woman can sit down and discuss what makes them the same, what makes them different. Whether they agree or disagree on any concept that exists. An english speaker and a spanish speaker can’t. And what I’ve learned in my own admittedly narrow world view, is that so far… people are a lot more alike than we are different. Traditions, beliefs, cuisine, humor might all be wildly different. But what is right and wrong. How a person expects to be treated. What is fair. We’re all on the same page. It’s really brightened my view on humanity.
This is hard. Really hard. I’ve been at this for 10 months now. Practicing at least a little bit most days. I can read so so at least knowing enough context to make sense of it. I can barely write and speak. I don’t really have the opportunity for conversation, but listening to podcasts and watching shows in Spanish leaves me about three or four words behind and then I’m lost. I don’t think it’s HARDER than I expected. Just that I couldn’t do it “my” way. Which was basically just expose myself to as much of it as I could and one day it would all sink in. There’s just more too it than that. You can’t learn something you don’t know by osmosis. You have to put in work and effort and just straight hard memorization. Just this week, 10 months into it, I finally broke down and ordered some textbooks.
I’m excited to get more comfortable with the language. I’m excited to be able to express myself in it. I’m excited to be challenged by people. And to be quite honest, I’m excited for it to get easier.
En este momento, estoy feliz para saber que se. Estoy feliz de hacer esta oración. Quiero continuar aprendiendo mas. Gracias por leer y si decidas hacer algo, no tengas miedo. Si es dura. Entonces el regalo sera genial.
So since the last post, we’ve finally found some time to work on the ATVs…. my parents took the kids for a weekend, and Andrea and I did what I’m sure all free parents do, spend some time working in the shop together! Haha. At times we even felt a little bit guilty enjoying our temporary “freedom”.
Out of the three ATVs we own, only one ran. With it being really too cold to ride, winter is supposedly a good time to work on them. But man is it so hard with young kids. Luke is getting old enough that he could actually be helpful, but I struggle with getting him interested. He’s on board for a hot minute, then he’s begging to go do something else. I don’t want to force the kid. I mean, heck it might just not be his thing. But at six years old, do you even have a “thing” yet? I just don’t want him to end up hating it I guess.
Emma for sure is less than interested unless she can hold it and stick it in her mouth. That’s probably appropriate though when you’re nine months old. However with Andrea being full time Mom all day, I like to come home and kinda take over as caretaker at least until the kids go to bed. Give her a little bit of a breather and some sanity. So I feel super guilty even when she encourages me to go work on… well anything outside of the house.
After bed times are finally over it’s about 9PM. I look at the clock, think about some of the other things I want to do, play a game, watch a show, actually have an adult conversation with my wife… then I usually convince myself that there’s not even really enough time to get started on anything, and end up doing mostly nothing. Then I feel pretty disgusted with myself all around.
So it was nice that Andrea and I both were able to be out there working together. She was able to change the engine and transmission oil on her Honda. I finally finished putting back together the engine on the Arctic Cat, and much to my surprise, it actually started and ran! I think I have a few more adjustments to make on the clutch, but it drives! We got more done in one day than we have so far all winter!
That’s not to say I don’t love my children, I most definitely do! I was so happy to see them when they got back. It’s just that everything takes a lot longer. It’s hard to look at your list of things and not get discouraged with yourself, or feel “lazy” when in reality, you’ve HAVE been busy, doing OTHER important things. I keep telling Andrea that there will be a day in the not incredibly distant future where we will wish they were coming to us more, wanting to jabber and jabber for ever, wanting to play with us, and trusting that we can fix all the problems in the world. The challenge for now is to appreciate it. And I think probably also later, to not pretend that it was all only beautiful and without its own challenge and sacrifice.
It’s hard, being a parent, finding a balance between your identity and “parent”. But I think in the words of Jimmy Dugan, “The hard is what makes it great”.
I don’t know how it happened. But it happened all rather suddenly. We became an ATV family. I’ve always felt the same way about powersports as I’ve felt about exercise. If there’s not a destination, if you aren’t GOING somewhere, then what is it all for? You go around and around, end up in the same place then, big whoop. It’s not for everybody, but turns out it’s for us.
It began probably almost two years ago. A friend of ours bought an ATV, she rides along the river with her family and kept sharing all these fun stories. “You should get an ATV! You can come ride!” Yeah, yeah. That’s a lot of money, and more work keeping things running just to go tear it all up. It didn’t sound that fun. But… here in town, several people have ATVs and they putt around town on them. Now THAT’s more my speed. I don’t need anything super sporty. I’d just like to have one I can roam around on and take off the road once in a while. And then maybe someday go down to the river and pretend I know what I’m doing.
So we bought the Green Arctic Cat. It’s 18 years old, but it was 4×4, and ready to roll. Not too pricey, plus we already had the trailer… so…
It had been a long time since I’d drove an ATV, so I wasn’t too sure of myself. But it didn’t take long to get used to driving it around the neighborhood. It’s a “farmer’s ATV” I called it. Not fast, not flashy, not cool. That checks a lot of boxes for me! Eventually I loaded it up on the trailer, and took it down to the river for a little fun with Lucas!
It was all going great, until Andrea was out riding. It was her first time out and I probably should have given her some guidelines. But she’d taken Luke with her to ride, so I figured, “She won’t get too crazy with Luke on there.” Well they didn’t get dangerous, but she got into some deep water. I think maybe she was thinking of those Youtube videos of crazy people taking their $10,000 ATVs through 4ft deep water. Except that this was an almost 20 year old ATV that was maybe 1/10th the cost!
Long story short, the starter went out. ATV out of service. It wasn’t her fault, but she still felt bad that it happened while she was riding.
Even still. With one broken ATV, Andrea was still hooked. We figured we’d get this one fixed quickly (spoiler, it’s still not fixed) and she now wanted one of her own. Still dumb to the world of power sports we went to look at another smaller ATV in our price range. It was more of a sport quad than mine, which she liked. Ended up buying a two stroke Yamaha Blaster that was even older than the Arctic Cat!
Never buy anything from a redneck. You’d think my Blazer experience would have been enough to teach me “never again” but NO! Only problem. It smokes a little bit. Okay… a lot a bit, and would sputter when the RPMs got high. I know that two strokes smoke, at least old ones do. But this one was too much. But it was a great DEAL right!?
So let’s tear it apart and see what the problem is. It’s just parts, right!?
So what was the problem? Ok, quick 2 stroke engine school. There are two seals on either side of the crankshaft. Those seals have to be air tight otherwise the piston will suck transmission oil into the crankcase and burn it. No sweat, change the seals… good as new, right? Nope.
See that. SEE THAT!? So, that is a gouge by a SCREWDRIVER into an aluminum engine case. The engine case. That of which the entire engine is built upon. Not by me. Not by my screwdriver. Somebody else. Maybe the guy who sold it to us. Maybe somebody before him. But some cheap bastard who didn’t want to spend FIFTEEN DOLLARS on a seal puller jacked this engine up real good.
So options, what are the options? Sell the Blaster for parts. Take the loss. Put the new seal in and just let it smoke and keep a spare spark plug in your pocket at all times. Or, try to fix it.
Welp. It’s all I could do. JB Weld, we’ll see if you bring another miracle. I filled the crevasse, pressed in the seal, and put it all back together. I didn’t even know if it would run. I let it cure for a whole week. Not because it needed it but more because at least then it was Schrodinger’s 4 wheeler. Until you try to start it, it both runs, and doesn’t run at the same time. Finally got up the nerve. It took several kicks, but eventually, it came to life!
I took it for a test drive, and it scared the CRAP out of me. For a little 200cc, I didn’t expect as much power as it had. It literally scared me. It still smoked a bit, but eventually, the oil that had gotten into the crank case burned off, and it now just smokes “a lil bit”.
Since then it’s been a really fun ATV for me to drive. That’s right… me. This was originally Andrea’s remember? But she never did get comfortable with the high revs of a 2 stroke engine. A bigger 4 stroke has more low end power and is more forgiving about what gear you’re in. She didn’t like how once you got into the higher RPMs the Blaster wanted to take off like a puppy ready to chase a bunny.
The plan is to sell this one, but nobody here likes it, which kinda makes me like it. I’ve put a lot of work into it and it’s taught me a lot… so… I’m kinda attached now. Maybe, I’ll keep it? No matter what, It’s brought a lot of joy to us and the people we’ve been able to share it with, so I think it’s worth what we paid already.
So let’s do a head count. 1 broken ATV, 1 fixed ATV that no one wants to ride except me. So what happens next… Andrea gets what she REALLY wants.
So here’s the secret to what Andrea likes: anything cooler than yours. Haha! She ended up getting a Honda TRX 450er. This is a big girl 4-wheeler for sure. Big size, big engine, fancy pants electric start, and finally… a helmet. She likes it! And she likes to ride it! And it’s officially the newest vehicle we own, including the ones we drive everyday. Haha. She’s content and I think we’re finally set on the fleet.
Wait? Whut? Oh… no. What about Lucas! Heaven FORBID he be subjected to just riding with us. Andrea found a little used electric powered on on the local classifieds. Just his size. Just his speed (slow). Now we have another.
But remember that trailer?…. Too small. Big enough for one. That’s it. Good greif… what a freakin’ hobby. One thing leads to another and now we have a trailer big enough to haul all of this old junk around on. FINALLY, we’re done, right? RIGHT? Gawd I hope so.
So what is so fun about it all? How did we get in so deep so fast? I mean the riding is fun, don’t get me wrong. Even though I’ve only been down the trails a good distance only a handful to times. With Emma being just a baby, we have never been able to go out as a family. But the best part by far has been sharing the experiences with people. Friends and family coming over and taking off for a ride with me or Andrea. Watching people learn how to drive them, killing them, giving them crap about it, then watching them putt away once they finally get it down. And then the big smile on their face when the get back to home base.
So with it being the middle of winter, and the holidays over, I have some work to do to get ready before spring. Ranging from little things to big things. The red one just needs the carb cleaned out and chain tightened. The green one needs the engine put back together and new bushings all the way around, and the white one needs a new head gasket, exhaust flange, and a bunch of other stuff.
It’s been a lot of fun! I hope that this summer we can spend more time riding, and a little less time shopping and fixing, haha!
Old people are grumpy. They are less patient. They smell weird. They talk about boring things and have crazy ideas about how the world should be. This is how I always thought about old people. But as I get older, I feel like… I get it. I’m not tired or wore out like I always thought old folks were. I don’t have an abundance of time to drink coffee and fix all the world’s problems by complaining about them as I assumed all the old folks did. But still, I get it.
Seasoned citizens are the way they are… I think… because the world has eroded the relevance of the things they’ve always thought of as valuable, and it comes to appear (to them) as apathy, laziness, and a loss of formality and professionalism. But those participating, creating and shaping culture today see new ideas as either a rejection of the status quo, or a step towards something better than we’ve ever had before. And that has to be right. It has to be. Things have gotten better generation by generation pretty objectively. Health, education, lifestyle. Millions of people have it better now than even the richest of the rich had it 100 years ago in many ways.
So why do I feel myself ready to hop off the wagon train of progress? Just content to put down my roots here with what I know, what I’m happy with, and let that be that. I can attest that it’s literally frustrating trying to wrap my head around why what is new is better sometimes. And I can’t quite understand why.
Last night Andrea was struggling trying to watch a movie. We have a smart TV with Netflix built in. Problem was, every 5 minutes, the Wi-Fi would disconnect. I don’t know what time she finally got it fixed, but it was after I’d gone to bed and fell asleep. All I could think about was how if this had just been on a disc or a tape, we would have just watched a movie, and not been troubleshooting some technological hiccups all night.
But sometimes we remember the past better than it ever really was. Heck probably most times. I can also remember wrapping tin foil around TV antennae and adjusting endlessly trying to get the clearest picture possible, only to have it messed up when somebody else walks into the room and blocks your signal, all that effort to watch the ONLY thing on TV. As opposed to the thousands of choices available now on demand.
As I get older, it feels like people are willing to accept less and less quality, but in reality I suppose we’re really getting more than ever before. At work the past few days I’ve been pulling my hair out trying to get a College Football Pick ‘Em contest put together on our website. My company entered into an agreement with another company to provide a web platform to facilitate the contest. Problem was, no matter what we did, it looked like crap. Just plain awful. I tried everything and finally called the provider when I admitted defeat and couldn’t get it to look good. Their response was, “I don’t know. It looks pretty great to me!” I couldn’t help but in that moment think… they really find this acceptable? They’re really OK with this? Actual real humans look at this ugly off center, non-screen fitting disaster and think, well… nothing. It’s just… normal.
What I’ve thought about between that moment and now, is that while it wasn’t pretty… it facilitated something that in the past would have been pretty impossible. In days gone by, if you wanted to do the same contest, you would have had to print up entry forms. Distribute those entry forms to people who wanted to play. They’d have to go to a physical place to get them. They’d have to physically return them to you. Then it would be up to them to keep track of the contest on their own while they “play along from home”. Then all the entries and results would have to be counted by hand, hours and hours of people time. Where as now the contest is instantly distributed up to an infinite number of people, who can all play on devices that they already own, and get results in real time. All automatically. I guess if you put it that way, who cares what the magic carpet looks like? It freakin’ flies!
But I valued the presentation. I valued qualities of the experience that were important to me. And I left feeling frustrated wanting to retreat back to something that reinforced my values. But going back isn’t an option. For one, as mentioned before, the past as we remember it more often than not was not a place that ever actually existed anyway. But also the energy required to keep those old ideas alive requires more and more energy the farther away you get from them. Like trying to keep a Model T running in the year 2017. But I also don’t feel the need to truly embrace the new values, or maybe I’m just taking them for granted. Where I find myself is in a place of acceptance. That the world now “is what it is” and there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it.
But where do you find joy in a lifestyle of reluctant acceptance? I can see now how it’s easy to slip into the character of a person who’s frustrated, impatient, and apathetic. That’s not who I want to be, old and grumpy… and smelling bad. What I’m working towards is rather… tolerance I guess you could say. It’s a resource that I think you need to recharge once in a while. So I am working on a compromise. To complain less. To push forward more. To be productive. To be positive. However, with the understanding that I’m going to need to retreat away from time to time to recharge. To find those touchstones that reinforce my values and the things that I feel are what make me, me. That I’m still the same person that I’ve always been, and that it’s still OK to be.
My E3 experiences go pretty far back. I remember sitting at my desk in my room in Manhattan on my Toshiba laptop watching a postage stamp sized video window waiting for the Nintendo Press Conference to start.
I was a regular on the IGN message boards and there was always a ton of hype and speculation going into the show each year. What games would be announced? What new hardware was there going to be? Everyone was always hoping for a “MEGATON” announcement, and in the end the show never really lived up to the hype, and sometimes even made people mad. I’ll never forget the outright revolt over Wind Waker’s graphics.
I remember taking days off of work so that I could watch everything live and follow all the news, then share thoughts and discussion with my internet friends on the boards. It was all pretty thrilling actually. Fun to share so much passion with other people who were just as passionate as you were and you didn’t have to explain to anyone why you cared so much. They “got it”.
Anymore, E3 sneaks up on me. “Oh yeah, that’s this week!” I don’t even think I realized it until I saw a tweet the night before from Nintendo. My anticipation has waned over the years. Partly because life is a lot more full of “things” now, and also because now there’s almost always some new news and announcements being made. If anytime E3 today is as much or more about putting the spotlight on things that you already know about, rather than announcing new stuff.
When I was in my teenage years and super nuts about games, I remember telling myself that no matter how old I got, gaming was always going to be an important part of my life. It really felt like it was the one thing that given the choice of anything I could be doing, I’d choose to play games. You know those bumper stickers that you see that say, “I’d rather be ____ing.”? That was my philosophy. Today gaming is still an important thing for me. It’s a nice release, but my life is gone from “can’t get enough games” to “what do I pass on so that I can properly enjoy the games I have time to play?”
So now E3 comes around, and my expectations are pretty tempered. I honestly don’t want to see 5 new awesome games I never knew about. I just want to know that there are two, maybe three good games between now and the end of the year. There are so many games that I have unbeaten or even unplayed, that if there was a MEGATON announcement, I would almost be annoyed that I’d have to find time to play it.
Would I go back to that time? The time when E3 was magical and exciting? I don’t think so. I’ve settled into being what is mostly likely labeled a “retro gamer”. I have all the old systems hooked up, and somedays I just look forward to coming home and playing some PilotWings 64. I can get just as excited about adding a Super Nintendo Zelda game to my collection as I can a brand new one. I also feel like I can manage the pace of getting and playing these games better than trying to keep up with what is new and coming out.
My E3 complex will probably end up resolving itself sooner than later. More and more often companies are using the internet and social media to make announcement and get info to their super-fans all year long, whenever they want. There’s less and less need to put it all in one place and use the press to get your message out. You can reach out and influence people directly. So if E3 were to die this year, on a lot of levels, I’d be OK with that.
Every time I tell someone I’m painting my house, their reaction is pretty much the same.
“I did that once. I’ll never do it again.”
“Money well spent to pay someone else.”
“Oh wow. Good luck!”
People hate painting houses I guess. In complete honesty, I’ve enjoyed it. It’s fantastic mindless work, but it’s not just fidgeting. It’s something that I can take pride in, something I can stand back and admire when I’m done. And it’s something that’s almost completely and 100% not stressful.
It’s weird to me that I’m finding some kinda of weird satisfaction in something that everyone else holds in such detest. On one hand I totally get why people don’t like it. It’s tedious. It’s daunting. It’s climbing. It’s cleaning. It’s scraping. It’s outside. It’s time consuming. It’s daunting.
And I think that is part of what makes me embrace it. Because I can’t exist just to follow the path of least resistance. I can’t let myself be defined by whatever is easiest at the moment, or whatever will kill a few minutes until the next interesting thing happens. To just live by the whims of what happens to be the nearest shiny thing seems like a willful forfeiture of my own free will!
It’s tedious. My first ever job was to walk through a cornfield and chop down cornstalks. Hail had wiped out the corn crop early in the growing season. While there was still time, the farmer re-planted the field with new corn. But the old damaged corn needed to be removed or it would inhibit the growth of the new healthy corn. I had a rusty old machete that my dad sharpened up for me. And I walked that field row by row, chopping down the old corn, careful not to chop the new. It would take probably 15 minutes to walk an entire row from one end to the other. After 1 hour I’d look over and see the same spot I’d just stood only 5 feet away.
It felt like I’d been swinging the same blade over and over, and didn’t have much to show for it. But it sure was pretty satisfying to start that LAST row, and then to chop that FINAL stock, then look back across a field of healthy young corn and realize that it all added up to one big thing. I remember I was getting paid $5.25 per hour and got a check for $262! You do that math.
It’s daunting. How many times are you stopped from pursuing a thing because the goal is so far distant in the future? You’d love to be able to play an instrument but it will take years to become any good. You’d love to lose some weight but after weeks of exercise and dieting, it just hasn’t made much difference. Most of the things we really want in life ARE tedious. And most of thing things we can have right away wear off quickly. You’d have that “whatever it is today” if you’d started 10 years ago. Or you can start today. Or never. Your call.
It’s climing. I don’t know if my Mom knows this story. I’m pretty sure she’s heard it by now from me or somebody. When I was a kid in Ingalls, during the summer when my friends and I would spend the night at each other’s houses, we’d sneak out of the house to roam around the town. We never caused any trouble. (Even the time we drove the school bus, we were careful not to tear anything up and put it RIGHT back where we found it…) It was exhilarating just to be out with the town to ourselves, and the thrill of trying not to be discovered.
Shocker… it’s pretty easy not to get caught in Ingalls, Kansas in the middle of the night. We’d walked every street. Seen every block. Now what? Well one night we decided… let’s climb the Co-op Elevator! One pallet leaned on its side was all we needed to reach the ladder. Then the long 200 ft. climb up! Yeah.. it WAS scary. Scary thinking about how much higher we were getting with each step. Scary thinking about what would happen if one of us slipped. I’ve never held on to anything that tight! And when we got to the top and there were no railings to keep you from just toppling right over the edge… yeah it was terrifying, and exhilarating!
I remember so clearly that first night. I remember how the gas pumps down below looked like something from a model train set. How I could see the roof of everyone’s house in town. How the elevation of the land changed from one block to the next. It was a completely different perspective on a place I thought I already knew EVERYTHING about.
Even just climbing on your own roof, you see your trees differently, you see your neighborhood differently. The things you’ve looked at so many times you begin to tune them out suddenly are new and interesting again.
It’s cleaning. It blow my mind how many people will consider something “old” or “worn out”, when really it’s just dirty. Take the same old thing, clean it, polish it up. And suddenly it’s some relic from the past that somehow has defied the boundaries of time!
I love detailing things. Anything. Whether it’s a car, a mower, an old radio, furniture… just about anything. If it’s not broken, it usually isn’t very hard to make something look damn near new again! And that isn’t so much about the “thing” as it is the memories and experiences people have tied to the “thing”. When driving the Oldsmobiles, so many times while pumping gas
It’s scraping. Okay. I’ll give you this one. Scraping sucks. I bought a power washer.
It’s outside. I started a purposeful effort a few years a go to start spending more time outside. No matter the season and no matter the weather. I decided I wasn’t going to let the fact that it wasn’t a perfect day keep me from doing the things I wanted to do.
A couple days it was downright hot outside. I think people literally felt sorry for me, or thought I was a loser to be out working in the heat. Man I was just jamming out so some sweet tunes, gulping ice cold green tea, and getting a pretty legit farmer’s tan.
As every day goes by, I’m just more and more feeling that there is so much more to life besides what can happen on a cell phone screen. To be out exploring and feeling the world around me feels so much more invigorating.
It’s time consuming. I admit this is such a challenge in my life. Just like this here blog. I’ve wanted to sit down and write for ages. And now as I write this I can make it about 20 words before I’m interrupted by life. I mean, I get it. That’s just the stage I’m at right now. And someday in the future I’ll miss these times too.
The house painting project has been kind of nice though because once I started, I HAVE to finish. So while there’s other things that I could and probably should be doing, I have to make this a priority and I have to dedicate time to it. Being forced to commit to a thing is in some ways liberating.
It’s daunting. When we visited Colorado a few months ago, we rode the Pike’s Peak Cog Railway to the top. Along the way the tour guide talked about the hiking trail that lead up to the top. A 13 mile trail all on foot. The stories of the early adventurers to the area and the economy that sprung up to support them. I couldn’t help but think about how exciting it would be to embark on such a journey. A fun thing to think about from your diesel powered train.
But I’ve found the hardest part about doing daunting things is mostly just deciding to start doing it. It often isn’t has hard, complicated, or impossible as you think it will be. The people who are already doing these things are just normal people too. I’d never painted a car before, but I did it and it turned out not bad! I never built a computer before but I used it to make the first post on this blog. I’d never been a husband or a parent before, but I think I’m doing OK!
I think this is why old people are so grumpy. I remember when I was a kid, I was always so disappointed that my peers were so immature. People would argue over the dumbest childish things. People would get themselves in trouble for the stupidest childish reasons. You can only imagine how crushed I was that when I became an adult, my adult peers were just as immature and reckless as the children were. I can already feel my self getting tired of being expected to care. Tired of being expected to think like them. Tired of being expected to value the same things.
Sure, fine. I’m the weird guy that paints his own house on hot days, drives old broken cars, mows his yard with a three wheeled lawn mower and plays more Nintendo 64 than you think a grown adult should. You’re right. Tell your friends how right you are about me. They’ll agree with you and we can all be very satisfied with our lives.
You ever have one of those things that you end up moving around from home to home that you live, but you always just end up tucking it away somewhere, only to find it the next time you move again? That’s pretty much how this camera has existed for as long as I can remember. I couldn’t recall how old it was, or any of the pictures I took with it. But I knew it had to be 10-15 years old. So I finally took it in to get developed, fully expecting that none of the pictures would turn out.
Luckily, the pictures DID develop. But unfortunately, there’s not much that’s juicy or even all that interesting in there. Just the same, I figured I’d share what was in the time capsule. Often what’s in the background is more interesting than the subject of the photo.
Who is that cat? I’m pretty sure this is my old cat Rosie. At first glance it looks like my Mom’s cat, Fuzz. But based on the other photos in this roll, this picture would have had to have been taken around 2001 – 2003. Fuzz wouldn’t have been born yet. Rosie ended up getting out of the house when I lived at the trailer park. I searched and searched, but never found her.
That Video Chair is pretty legendary in my mind. That was one of two matching chairs we had in Ingalls. I sat in that chair for hours playing Nintendo 64, setting Mario Kart 64 records and perfecting my GoldenEye skills. I can still hear the creaks of the wood as you rock back, and feel the ribbed upholstery on my fingertips.
This is my roommate Aaron. He and I worked together at Arby’s in Aggieville. We hit it off pretty well as we had some common interests. Video games, rock, well and that might wrap that list up. He was a good roommate most of the time. We would stay up WAY too late playing Grand Theft Auto on PS2, and would jam out once in a while with him on the guitar, and me on the drums. Towards the end of being roommates he started hanging out with some new friends, and smoking weed and I had no interest in following suit. My last vivid memory of Aaron was him trying to patch a hole in the wall he punched after his girlfriend broke up with him.
I’m not really proud of my college aged self. Had a pretty hard time adjusting to real life and trying to figure out how to make it all work. This picture above is a pretty good representation of the perpetual state of my room, and also my state of mind at the time. My room was always a mess. To the left of that pile of crap behind the telescope was the door to my closet. It would always have clothes, maybe dirty, maybe clean, just piled on the floor. Makes me feel gross now thinking about it. But also in that closet was my original N64 box and all my N64 game boxes. Wish I would have saved that stuff now.
Look who it is! This is the first of many Andrea selfie’s on this roll. Before selfies were cool. What a trendsetter. She must have just seen this camera laying around over the years, and figured she would snap a pic real quick. What a babyface! Peering through the green fog, this would have been sitting at the end of my bed in the trailer house. Fun fact, Luke has the headboard from this bed in his room now as his first “big boy bed”.
Another picture of Andrea! But I would have taken this one. Pretty sure that hat and shirt are still floating around here. This would have been my apartment in Milford. One of the few pictures I have of that place. What a great place that was for me and my stage in life. I’d screwed up some stuff bigtime, like maxing out credit cards and spending all my money. But this place was $260/month ALL BILLS PAID! The walls were pretty thin, but it was my first place all on my own, and helped in getting life straightened out. And look at that N64 box! If only I could reach into the frame and pull it out.
When Andrea didn’t have school for a few days, she would drive up from Winfield and stay at the apartment. This must have been an ambush photo shortly after she woke up. Judging by the look on her face, this was probably a mistake. This is a pretty good representation of the apartment though. About as basic as it gets. I don’t remember using the oven a whole lot. I don’t even think I could fit a full sized frozen pizza in there. This place was so tiny, but again I miss it a bit for what it was.
Andrea Selfie #2 & #3. I think she would just snap these pictures as a way to say Hi to the future me when I got this film developed. Mission accomplished. I for the life of me can’t figure out where this picture was taken though. And the background doesn’t leave much to go on.
There she is again! And this would be home #3 for this roll of film as this is the computer room in the Manhattan Apartment. 2005-ish. I sorta remember that lava lamp lamp. For whatever reason the lava would just dissolve into a bunch of tiny bubbles… not too impressive. The 49ers decoration still hangs in our basement today, and the James Bond poster is now in storage. After this picture was taken the camera itself would go back into storage and it would be another two years before another picture was taken.
Home #4 for this camera. We were just moving into our house in Ogden and probably found this camera. Look, it’s the same lava lamp lamp on the right. Luke’s headboard is leaning up against the wall. Most of that junk has followed us to the present day. If I’ve learned one thing in life. Shelves are a thing worth investing in.
Oh, look what else we found while unpacking. Photo-Op! Obviously! This picture has waited a decade to be seen again. Totally worth it.
Things have gotten a little more organized in the Ogden house, and this past is starting to look a little less distant than the others. Andrea still has the same computer desk, speakers and keyboard. And through the window you can see I’ve already painted the Toronado, so this picture is probably late 2007 before winter sets in. I wonder who the Christmas present on the desk is for?
Hey, 5 years into the life of this camera and I finally make an appearance! This is again in the Ogden house and in the computer room. The poster behind the door is an autographed Disciple poster that we still have around here somewhere. The T-Shirt I’m wearing is from our GameDay Quarterback remotes we would do with KJCK before the K-State games. I got my tickets to the game by working the remotes.
It’s Daisy! She found a home with us while we lived at Ogden. I’m reminded about how run down that old little house was when I see that fake wood floor leading to the living room. The center of the living room actually bowed down to the point that the couch was literally leaning forward. It was an itty bitty house, but it was something Andrea and I really wanted at the time was to say goodbye to apartment living. It cost $700/month plus utilities, and I’m pretty sure the heat and air went straight out through the roof. I have no idea how we made ends meet at that place.
There’s Nala. Remember that disgusting room earlier when we just moved into this house? Well we’ve tidied it up a bit since then. The big box on the right was for our TV that we thought would come in handy when we decided to move. Pretty sure it took up so much space that we just ended up throwing it away.
Here’s your classic up nostril shot. Still in Ogden here in the living room. I remember when we first moved into this house, we had a terrible bug problem. Come to find out that window above the air conditioner had an inch wide gap that bugs were just flying straight in to the house! We stuffed some towels in there, problem solved. Same shirt, so I imagine the previous 4 pictures were probably all taken on the same day.
Let the wedding planning begin! This is the cake topper that would eventually be at our wedding. I can still remember that excited feeling and wondering how life was going to change once we were actually married.
The Toronado. This would have been less than a year after I painted it. Before the El Camino came a long. I eventually just took to parking in the backyard because with the one lane driveway, the person who needed to leave was inevitably in the front. You can see the tracks through the back yard from the previous tenants. I wasn’t going to be that lazy. I decided to at least walk back to the alley to my car instead of driving through the yard.
Here’s Andrea’s old car! When I first met her it was all the dark red color and I remember thinking she had a pretty sharp car! Of course 2 deer hits later and it came to look like this. A few years down the road and in another town, we’d repaint it black. In retrospect I should have invested in a bottle of Round-Up for the sidewalk and driveway.
Andrea Selfie #4!
And the final frame on the roll. I still have the same computer and desk. And due to the age and exposure you can see time had started to eat away at this photo on the right hand side. This last picture would have been taken in late 2007 or 2008, then the camera got hauled around to three more houses after this one. And finally developed in 2017.
I admit, it’s all fairly unremarkable. I had hoped I’d find some old photos of my Ingalls days or something, but it didn’t go quite far back. If I had to guess, this was my last camera I had before I bought my first digital camera. After that, this little disposable camera didn’t have much use and just ended up capturing randomness.
Still kinda miss that feeling of charging up a flash, hearing the click, and winding the film. Then waiting for days to discover your had your finger in the picture or something like that.
A cool little time capsule to unearth though.
For whatever reason, 2016 has been a weird year. It was certainly a tougher year at work. Feeling like I was working harder but not really doing a better job. But then again, the job itself got harder. A lot of times I’ve wanted to sit down and write on the blog, but all too often I could just think of things to complain about. That’s not what I wanted to fill the blog with anyway.
But in 2017 I’m looking forward to some things. First, the new baby that will be coming sometime in June. I’m excited. I think back to when we first found out that Andrea was pregnant with Luke. We had tried for a while, then just decided, “whatever happens, will happen.” That’s pretty much exactly how this one happened too. And I remember thinking back then that I was excited, and knew my life was going to change, but didn’t exactly know how.
I feel a little better equipped, at least in the experience department this time around. But all those same things keep coming back. What will we have to sacrifice to afford him or her? How will we find time on top of an already packed life? Will they be healthy? Feelings and questions that are pretty familiar. But knowing we’ve gotten through it, and how fun and exciting it’s been up until this point takes a lot of that worry away.
That is definitely one of the things I’m going to be doing less of this year. Worrying. I used to be so good at not worrying. Guess that gets harder the more you become responsible for. When it’s just me, who cares. I’ll be fine. If I fall down, I’ll get back up. For home and work, I still find it difficult to force that attitude upon others. If I fail, now it affects more people than just me. I might feel fine taking the risk and bouncing back from mistakes, but others may not. I guess that’s part of growing, and leading. Knowing that your choices do affect others. How I can reconcile that with my own personal “Everything will be fine” perspective, is still a work in progress.
Without worry though, I hope for that to free me up to do a few more things. You can call them resolutions I guess if you want. For me, it’s just getting back to what makes me happy.
Strengthen my faith. I’ve felt more negative this past year than any time I can remember since sixth grade. One thing that really brought me peace was my faith, learning and growing my relationship with Jesus. I used to be so confident in my thoughts and feelings. But as I continued to give more and more of myself to the church in time and effort, I was only asked to give more and more to the church. Finally I broke when I felt like I didn’t have anything more to give. It didn’t weaken my faith in God, but certainly weakened my feelings toward church.
I’m still not sure where to go. I have very little desire to seek out a church anymore. But I do want to focus more on my relationship with Christ. The best thing I can think to do is to make it a goal to read the Bible in its entirety this year. I’ve quite a bit, though it’s been some time. But I’ve never truly read the entire Bible. On one hand, it’s a “just see if I can do it,” sort of thing. On the other, you can’t get that much of God’s Word and not find some good in it.
Cook more. Over Christmas I baked Snickerdoodles with Luke, and baked a Pecan Pie at Mom’s house. I realized it’s something I really like to do. Not good at it. But enjoy it and it’s something I can share with others. I want to try new recipes. Taste things I remember from years ago, and also some things I’ve never even had! The process of measuring, mixing, and baking, just feels very therapeutic.
Get organized. Almost the entire year I feel like work was just flying by the seat of my pants. I want to set some boundries. I do a lot of things at work, and that ends up meaning that the work is never done when it’s time to leave. I am only one person. I know I’m good at what I do. But much like the church discussion from earlier. There’s only so much I can give. My goal is to structure my day. Leave that structure able to be flexible, but dedicate time every day to one of the many things I have to do. Show, Sales, Production. Find out what I can REALLY get done in a day. Be flexible. And when I can’t get it all done, start finding people who are as good, or probably even better than me and give them an opportunity to knock it out of the park. I struggle with that last part, because I’m not the manager that gives out raises. But I feel like I was always given my raises in my job, because I was always willing to do more without asking for more. Suppose I should expect the same from others.
Write more. This is such a great place to vent. To decompress and really parse out my experiences. Just writing all this has been useful. Doing so on a regular basis I think could be huge for my mental health. It strengthens my convictions. It helps me articulate better in normal conversation. It’s just a good muscle to flex. Being a bit more contemplative and to off load many of these thoughts I think can really help. Of course it takes time. Time that could and perhaps should be spent doing other things. I just have to believe that the value of it in the long run is worth the investment in time it takes now.
That’s probably enough. I don’t want to get too carried away or nothing will change anyway. It’s hard. Hard to focus on what you really want to do when the rest of the world is screaming so loudly what it think you should do. Who cares. Who really freaking cares. Suck it world. I’m taking my life back.
It was a calm steady rain this morning. There probably would have been a sunrise if not for the clouds hiding it, but it made for a soft orange gray glow that seemed to blend with the color of the leaves and the grass to give the world almost a monotone look. The spongy earth squished beneath each step but never got messy or stuck to your shoes. Time seems to tick by a bit more slowly. The fish are biting.
The only drawback was reality. In truth I was just sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot on just another average day, playing Animal Crossing on my 3DS, hoping that if I waited long enough I could get my hands on the new NES Classic Edition.
I’ve always enjoyed Animal Crossing, but the longer I play it, the more I appreciate it. And the more immersive the game becomes. Even on a tiny little screen, the sounds and all the little visual details that change as the time, seasons or weather change. It all came together, and I got that real life feeling you get when it’s just a quiet dreary rainy day, but it doesn’t mess anything up, because you had nothing planned in the first place.
A new update came out recently that brought some more features to the game. That’s nice and all, but the real gem has just been getting back into my village, and starting new projects and finishing off goals like catching all the fish, or getting the golden shovel. It’s been about 7 months since the last time I played and they’ve done a much better job of making it easier to hop back in.
I remember in the original Animal Crossing on Gamecube if you were gone for too long, some of your villagers would make you feel pretty guilty when you finally came back! Plus your town would be ridden with weeds and getting back into the game was a real chore. The new update goes through and de-weed’s your town before you first step back into it. Why weren’t the villagers ever so eager to pitch in before?
So I’m rather skeptical that I’ll end up with a NES Classic Edition today, but if not, I’ll sulk and rebound inside Glendale. A nice little town with nice little people and nothing that needs done today.