What makes a terrible commercial?

Answer:  Terrible copy.

The following has got to be one of the worst commercials I’ve cut in a while.  I’ll first give you the whole thing.  Read it.  Digest it.  Then I’ll tear it apart line by line.  The names of the person and the business have been changed so I don’t pop up in search engine traffic and then word gets back to the boss.  Not good for Matt’s employment.

John Spanner and Great Valley Packing…  Two names  that are synonymous with success.  Great Valley Packing IS John Spanner.  That’s means they are part of the oldest continuous meat manufacture in the United States.  John Spanner in Great Valley specializes in the production of specialized meats like smoked hams and bacon.  They use the latest in technology along with the principle of quality by all their workers to produce the taste in meats their customers want.  John Spanner of Great Valley…Shipping smoked hams and bacons across the United States…and the world.

Okay.  I’m no copy writer, but I do have a knack for sensing when somebody is a bit full of themselves!  This commercial starts out terrible from the beginning.  When I proof read it, I thought surely it would get better as the spot went on, they they just had a terrible lead in.  But actually it was very in tone with the rest of the spot.

John Spanner and Great Valley Packing…  Two names  that are synonymous with success.

Now there’s an unsubstantiated claim if I ever heard one.  “Nintendo” is synonomous “video games”.  People say, “Hey, let’s go play Nintendo.”

They DON’T say, “Wow, Bob.  Your business is really taking off, you’re a regular John Spanner!”  When people think “success” NOBODY thinks “John Spanner” OR “Great Valley Packing”.  And this commercial has yet to convince me otherwise.  Let’s continue, perhaps they’ll back up this claim.

Great Valley Packing IS John Spanner.

I suppose that’s true, if both are synonomous with success, I suppose they would be synonomous with each other too.  And it IS true.  Success IS success.  No if’s an’s or but’s about it.

That’s means they are part of the oldest continuous meat manufacture in the United States.

What?  Wait, THAT’S what that means?  I’m feeling really out of the loop about now.   How long have people in the United States been packing meat?  Was John Spanner really there when it all started?  How old is this dude?  IF John Spanner REALLY IS Great Valley Packing AND that DOES MEAN that they’re part of the oldest continuous meat manufacture in the United States;  THEN by my estimation This guy has to be AT LEAST 100 years old.  Is that somebody you really want handling powerful spinning blades?  And who’s this “they”?  I thought it was just Mr. Spanner.

John Spanner in Great Valley specializes in the production of specialized meats like smoked hams and bacon.

Well if you’re going to specialize in something, it might as well be something specialized, I guess.  But are smoked hams and bacon really all that special?  I’m pretty sure I can get those from the Schwan’s guy, or Wal-Mart.  What’s so special about them?

They use the latest in technology, along with the principle of quality, by all their workers to produce the taste in meats their customers want.

First of all, I don’t even think this is a sentence by grammatical standards.  And I don’t know about you but when I walk into the Specialized Meat section to check out the bacon, I try to look for the bacon that was sliced by LASERS!  After all, meat just tastes better when you use the latest technology.

John Spanner of Great Valley…Shipping smoked hams and bacons across the United States…and the world.

This line would be a perfect end to the commercial…had John been able to back up any of his grandiose claims.  But instead it leaves me thinking, “Seriously, John.  Name one place outside the USA you’ve shipped some bacons.  I’ll even let you count Hawaii and Alaska.”

This isn’t a commercial about selling a product.  John just paid a princely sum in order to hear his name on the radio and feel good about himself.  While it may satisfy is narcissistic tendencies, I feel that money would be better spent on therapy.

Trying to adjust.

It goes without saying that there’s been a lot of change in my life lately.  And I wouldn’t change anything about it.  Married life is great, the job is great, all is well.  If anything, I’m just having a little difficulty adjusting to my schedule.

I’ve always had trouble getting up in the morning, but lately it seems like everything is rushed in the mornings.  A lot of that has to do with I’ve gone from going in at 11:00 at my old job, to going in at 9:00 here.  So I get up at the same time I used to, but have a lot less time in the mornings.  I’m considering getting up a couple hours earlier everyday, but that puts me at less than 6 hours of sleep, and I’m not sure how my body will handle that in the long term, and I don’t really want to go to bed any EARLIER than I do now!

How much sleep does everybody get at night?  I’m getting about 7 hours a night right now, and feel like I’m sleeping too much of the day away.  Does anybody get less than 6 hours and wish they could get more?  Everybody’s going to be different, of course.  I just don’t want to waste anymore time snoozing away time I’ll never get back!