Too late to blog
Aye carrumba. I think that’s how you type it. It’s far too late to be up doing this. 1am in fact. Tomorrow I’ll be staring at the computer screen at work, eyes glazed over and thinking about how my eternal goal of setting up some kind of Utopian sleep schedule may never be attained. Though if it where attainable, it wouldn’t be Utopian then would it. Oh should I have such clarity of mind tomorrow at 3:17pm.
Today was Andrea and I’s 3rd wedding anniversary. It was astoundingly unremarkable. We had plans of going out to eat in Hays and making a deal of it. But after we got home following a few kinks in the plan… it just seemed so forced to me. Whether Andrea felt the same, I’m not sure. But we decided to postpone the festivities. We had a really awesome “breakfast for supper” and spent some time together just talking. The whole time I was thinking about how this wasn’t really an anniversary, it was just another day… but BEING on our anniversary I couldn’t help but think of how much I LOVED being with her… every day.
She drifted off to sleep early, busy growing a baby, you know. And I had some things to do. I was waiting on some video to encode for work and somehow stumbled upon this story. I had forgotten I’d even written it, and forgotten most of the things I had written about. As I read through what was an unusually coherent story for me, I really reflected on where I’ve been. Where I am now. And how much I have (and haven’t) grown up.
You know there aren’t any chapters in life. It’s all such a slow process that you don’t even notice the time that’s passed until you lift your head up from the page you happen to currently be writing and look at everything you’ve already “written”. And you have that “holy crabcakes” moment where you think “I’ve been so deeply consumed with what’s been right in front of me for so long I’ve lost track of all that I’ve done“. It was amazing to read that old story and think that that really was me. And to recall those decisions I made at that time having no f’ng clue what all would happen in the next seven years.
The sobering thought for me is that I had a plan then. Probably a plan with even greater clairvoyance than the plan I have now for life. Remarkably much of what was planted back then has blossomed now and continues to grow. Andrea and I are married 3 years, and Luke could conceivably be here any day now. I’m still in radio after quite a bit of adversity and some really scary job moves. If you asked me if I am where I thought I would be by now… I probably couldn’t give you a straight answer. I’m somewhat where I expected to be, but got here ENTIRELY unlike anything I ever dreamed of. Certainly a path I couldn’t have planned for, yet somehow walking distance from the original course.
As I read that it brought back a lot of personal thoughts about myself of the sort you never really share with people. Not the dark or embarrassing kind. The kind you don’t share because when people ask “How you been” they’d really rather not know anyway. “Doing well” is efficient and expected in these encounters. Had they or I been up for it, I could have opened with the oft overused, “I HAVE been pretty shitty and confused, but right now I feel quite effervescent so please don’t feel awkward. I can only hope you are better than you have been as well!”
I feel like I’ve grown… A LOT in seven years. More mature, confident and determined than the clueless kid with a positive attitude I was back then. But you ask me where I’ll be seven years from NOW, and I feel just as apprehensive, courageous and positive as I did back then. I’m still intimidated about how I’m going to provide a living, now not just for myself, but my family. How to grow in my career as to be a more valuable team member, and how to expand my skills should god forbid something unforeseen head my way. If history is any indication you can be assured it will. As intimidating as it all is, knowing what challenges have already come and gone, and how even the monstrously tough decisions did little in the way of straying us from our original path, it’s hard to be scared.